5 Innocuous Things That Will Kill Your Self-Esteem

1. Inviting someone out and then immediately being asked, “Who else is going?”
A harmless question because who doesn’t want to know what group may appear, but when the answer to your invite hinges on this question, you might as well just say forget it. You’re not the main attraction, you’re the chocolate ice cream that people only eat because they found cool whip and cherries in the fridge.

2. Making a social point that no one notices
You’ve reached your breaking point with your friends. They only call or text when they need something, and never seem to initiate a hangout. You finally draw a line in the sand and proclaim from on high that you will not call or text anyone anymore. If they want to hang, they know my number. And then … nothing. On top of that, if you bring up your little silent protest, you realize they were deaf to it. Like Helen Keller deaf. And all you did in the meantime was play Madden or think about getting new friends, which you also failed to do.

3. Being asked if you feel alright
There really is no better way to tell someone that they look like shit. It’s the only socially acceptable way of trotting down the way someone looks on that particular day, and the insult only lasts a day. But the thing that hurts the most is the sniper nature of this insult. There’s just no way you can see this coming. You go through your day with not a care in the world and then bam! You’re called ugly. Wellllll screwwwwwww you, too.

4. Being asked about a major change you’ve made … well after you’ve made it
Is there a greater example of how little you matter to someone than when you’ve done something like grow your beard out, and suddenly someone asks you about it like it happened in the last 12 minutes? I mean, it’s not like I walk around every day being all visible and shit. Makes perfect sense that you wouldn’t notice something on my face.

5. Being ignored by a dog
There’s no two ways about it, being ignored by a dog will cut you deep. The first cut is how naturally excited you get when you see a dog approaching. You start positioning yourself to intercept the dog’s path, fully anticipating making contact. Then, the damn thing cruises right by like you weren’t even there. Then you realize, you were way more excited about seeing a dog than a dog was about seeing you. And you got rejected. By man’s best friend.

Shiiiiiiiiiit.

The ADouches

These commercials are all douches and I’m going to tell you why.

Why It’s a Douche:
1. The wife is hotter than him, and yet he’s going to challenge her on the fact that it’s her shows that are the problem? Psh, I mean, yeah, she’s probably DVR’ing stuff like Prattle Fest and Kardashian’s Say the Stupidest Things, but there’s no way this guy is going to blame her. Which brings me to my next point …

2. His comment at the end about at least someone getting to see her naked. Either this guy is a giant asshole, or he’s just a middle-aged man who is tired of life. Seriously, this guy could be on the verge of a meltdown. In fact, considering how he blames her for the DVR being clogged, and the fact that he can’t see her jugs, he’s obviously frustrated. This campaign is definitely heading towards him getting his own cable system … right after the divorce.

3. Watch how he brushes his teeth after he mans up to his wife. NOBODY BRUSHES THEIR TEETH LIKE THAT! And where is he going? Who starts to brush their teeth and walks out of the bathroom?

This commercial gets 1.5 douches. (Out of 5)

 

Why It’s a Douche:
1. Watching other people laugh can be entertaining, but some of these people are ugly and watching them enjoying life is like a slap in the face. Awful.

2. Yeah, because when I think about uncontrollable laughter, Germans are definitely the first thing that come to mind.

3. The tagline, “It’s not the miles, it’s how you live them.” So does that mean that I need an oil change every 250 great experiences? Is this the new scale on how they’re going to sell used cards? “Yes, this car has 300,000 miles on it, but they were happy miles. NOW BUY ZEE CAR!!!”

This commercial gets 1 douche.

Why It’s a Douche:
1. Crushed it? Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? Crushed what? Are we seriously supposed to believe that he’d walk up to a table of friends, say “crushed it” and they’d all be OK with that? Would anyone be OK if their friend ever uttered this mongoloid of a phrase? The only time crushed it is appropriate is when someone asks what you did with that can that was to be recycled. No doubt, any chance this guy had with any of these chicks is gone. Long gone.

2. Seriously, they have a beer all lined up and waiting for him? Never once have my friends had a beer just waiting for me. Wait, did he call ahead and tell them to order him a Corona? Actually, a guy that says “crushed it” may just do that. I picture it going down like this.

“Hey guys, I’m going to be a little late.”
“Let me guess Big Pun, you’re crushing it?” *group stifles laughter
*Totally oblivious “Naturally. Anyway, if you get there before me, order me a Corona.”
“Are you seriously calling to put in your beer order? I fucking hate you. Who told you where we were going, anyway?”
“Thanks a lot!”

3. He’s lying. He’s fucking lying! There are a few giveaways.

A. It starts raining the second he gets out of the cab. The scene on the beach is lovely, the scene we come to is anything but. This is foreshadowing.

B. He looks back at the cab as he’s getting out, indicating a sense of nervousness. He’s trying to figure out how to let everyone down.

C. The pause before he speaks. He sees this happy scene, knows he’s a complete waste of life, but these are his only friends and he doesn’t want to kill their good time (again). He decides to take the easy way out so as not to disappoint the group.

D. He leans forward as he says it. This is projection. He’s imposing a sense of strength upon the group so as to make them believe it. As any poker player knows, you project strength when you’re weak as a bluff. This is exactly what he’s doing.

E. He says CRUSHED IT!!! This is exactly the kind of response you’d get from someone that just saw a happy group and didn’t want to ruin the good times. An answer that you hope doesn’t lead to questions, but is stupid enough to where it gives you wiggle room for when you inevitably have to tell the group you didn’t “crush it”. “Uh, guys, I thought I did crush it. I mean, I was there and it felt crushed. Seriously. You gotta believe me! You’re my only friends! Don’t leave!!!”

I’d also like to know what the hell the ad agency producing this was thinking. You telling me they watched that and really thought that was the best they could do? This was definitely a Friday shoot before a long holiday. And guess what, they crushed it!

This commercial gets 29 douches.

 

I Wonder …

Some random thoughts, musings and diatribes.

I wonder … who the first person to look at a cow and think, “Yup, I’m going to drink that thing’s milk,” was. I get that back in the day, times were probably pretty lonely, but it would take some guts to do this. Then after the discovery, imagine the conversation that had to take place when he (Yeah, this was definitely a guy) introduced it to the community:

“Guys, I discovered that we can drink cow’s milk!”
“Wow, that’s great. Say … how’d you figure that out?”
“Uh … what’s that? I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up.”
“Dude, I’m standing right in front of you. This isn’t a phone call. The phone won’t be invented for like 2,000 more years.”
“Beers? No, I said milk! This is a terrible connection. I’ll call you back tomorrow.”

I wonder … when did “your hair is so long!” become a compliment? Ladies, this is all you. I don’t get it, you were able to go a period of time without sitting in a chair and paying someone to take scissors to your hair. Congrats? If that’s praise-worthy, then I want some kudos for being able to breathe whilst (hey Mander) sleeping.

I wonder … why don’t more people say “whilst”? It’s a great word!

I wonder … if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, why do we care? Chances are it was in a desolated setting, unless the person who was around to hear it ended up crushed by it, in which case, whether or not he heard it is kind of inconsequential.

I wonder … do they need to relax the minimum height requirements at Asian amusement parks? If not, that must be awesome for non-Asians. Look ma, no lines! I’m going on the Ramen Rocket again!

Dear Cosie – Episode 1

That’s right folks, it’s that time again. Time to learn about the world and become a better human than the human you currently are. Yes indeedy, it’s Dear Cosie time. Now, I understand the excitement, hence the fact that I was absolutely inundated with emails.  Swamped. I’m going to have to limit someone of you to 1 email a mailbag. But since you so many of you were so gracious to participate and seek out my most excellent help, I’ll oblige and answer everything. So, here goes.

Dear Cosie,
My question is regarding something my husband Kevin and I have been arguing over for awhile now….but we have to decide at some point in the near future! What is a good name for a baby boy? Cosmo is an obvious answer I suppose. The kid will most likely grow to be a strapping young man over 6′ tall….perhaps an uber mensch like his father lol. We want a name that isn’t too unique, but not too common either and not one of those god awful spellings! Any suggestions??
Yours Truly,
Clueless and nameless
Aka Chersti

The naming of a child is a very important task, as this will be the most obvious mark you have left upon them, unless you’re pretty bad at parenting, in which case, the most obvious mark you leave on them will also be the one that warrants a visit from child’s services or whatever Judging Amy’s mom worked for. Shit, I just mentioned Judging Amy in my blog. F! Anyway, I think you have to ask yourself what kind son do you want. Do you want a manly man? Do you want a sensitive fella? Do you want a guy who may be a good football player? Luckily, I have the answers for a variety of scenarios.

Manly Man: The Rock

Sure, it’s pretty unique but c’mon, how cool would it be to introduce your friends to your toddler, The Rock? Imagine this convo with your friend: “Why yes, Michelle, that is my son, The Rock. How’s your little Alfonse doing?” Alfonse, gimme a freaking break. The Rock wouldn’t even have to beat up kids for their lunch money, they would just volunteer it. No doubt about it.

See, awesome.

Sensitive Type: Fabian

I don’t know, for my money, I’m not worried about having to fight Fabian. I am however looking forward to reading his poetry. Bonus points because this sounds like it could be an urban name, giving your child street cred, at least until someone meets him. Speaking of street cred …

Urban: LaKevin

Gives a nod to dad, isn’t so crazy as to make people immediately want to cross to the other side of the street when they know he’s coming, gets him picked first in sports leagues where they haven’t seen him play. Other benefit, pleasant surprise. Think about it, first day of school, his teacher sees LaKevin. Immediately, he’s thinking urban youth (aka, black kid). Then, first day, he sees your child walk in. His relief will be palpable and this will be reflected in good grades. And if it doesn’t, LaKevin can step up the ghetto game a bit, because he’s got the name that can back it up.

Football Hero: Tank, Buzz, Gunner

All of these names would work, best part being things like getting to call him “Little Tank” or “Gunner Buns” when you want to embarrass him. And I’m guessing at some point, you will. Thing is, he’ll feel obligated to live up to this name and you won’t have to worry about pushing him into organized sports. There’s never been a kid named Tank who said, “Hey dad, I think I’d like to play the flute.” Psh, as if. There ain’t no flutist named Tank so just bust off with that noise.

There you have it. Don’t name him for the child he is, name him for the child you want him to be.

Annnnd, that pretty much wraps up the mailbag. Oop, look at that, bonus question at the last second from a C. Francis I. Weird name, using two initials, what a douche. Anyway, here’s his question:

Dear Cosie,

My hero, Lance Armstrong was just stripped of his 7 Tour de France titles. On top of losing all his endorsements, how should I view Lance?

Teste in Tampa,
C. Francis I. 

What a fantastic question. The answer is simple, I now have one more testicle than Mr. Armstrong and the same amount of Tour de France titles. I am your messiah now. Also, it’s grown ass men riding bikes. If you care about this at all might I suggest you put your little spandex biking pants, grab your bicycle and find yourself getting real rebellious on a one way street. Seriously, between soccer and cycling when are we going to learn to stop importing sports they enjoy in Europe. Before you’re introduced to a sport, ask the person how French people feel about it. If you’re told that French people care about it, you’re free to throat punch the introducer and walk away.

 

And that’s this week’s Dear Cosie. You guys … yeah.

 

 

A Semi 16 Year Old

When I was 16, it didn’t take much to get a boner. Seriously, almost everything was a pre-cursor to a boner. Hot chick on TV? Boner. Girl walking down the hall in front of me in completely regular jeans? Boner. Not getting homework? Bizoner. Much like a cranked up guido at a bar, my fella was pretty much ready to go at the drop of a hat. (Ooooo, hats. Boner!)

I chalked all this up to puberty. Sure, it made sense to rise to attention at this stage in life. I’ll grow out of it. I mean, I have to, right?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fast forward to year 29. I’ve outgrown most of it. Hot TV chicks barely elicit more than a vague promise to use the image later. Girls in regular pants don’t even get a second look. And hats? Psh, hats. But there’s one thing I have never escaped. Even after countless “solo sessions”, hours upon hours spent watching damaged souls bone on camera for my pleasure, and at least 12-16 sexual encounters, there’s still one issue that plagues me.

Getting a semi when kissing a girl. Yea…

Now, scientifically this happens because kissing sends signals to your brain to tell your penis to be on the ready because we’ve fooled a girl into going this far. It’s happening! Yay!

So there you are, with this inflatable pants-tobaggan taking on air and you know damn well it’s headed straight for her thigh. Ladies, it is at this point where we’ve completely stopped thinking of you. Instead, we’re thinking of baseball or pork chops, at least, we’re trying to. What we’re really thinking is, “Fuck! Seriously? C’mon, stop, stop, STOP! Annnnd there’s her leg.”

At this point, we’re officially semi’d. We can feel it, and unless you’re dead from the waist down, you feel it too. Well, shit. Now what?

Nothing. There’s no going back now. Who knows when we’re ever going to get this opportunity again? Damn the torpedo, semi-speed ahead!

This is where the male spirit truly shows its resolve and ingenuity. In this situation where we revert back to being a teenager and our member begins poking your thigh like they’re friends on Facebook, do we run and hide? Nope. We do the opposite, we try to turn it into sex. Hey, let’s see what happens when I mash it a little harder against her leg. Did she mash back? Felt like a back-mash.

Ultimately however, the kissing semi is the worst thing possible, and for reasons that have nothing to do with embarrassment. It’s all about the ego trip you’ve just given the ladies. Fellas, you know the second she feels that penis’ comforting thigh poke, she’s thinking she’s hot shit. Reverse roles and you know for a fact that if you could blatantly tell she got just a little aroused by kissing you, you may just stop her to call your friends. In essence, your semi just gave away the game. Here I am working my ass off to lower her self-esteem just to get to this point and my penis is putting her on a pedestal over a simple kiss, effectively killing all leverage I stupidly thought I may have had. What a dick.

Who to Blame

Well look who’s back. It’s Dr. Dre! No, no it isn’t. Wait, is it?

Nope.

*Locks door, just in case. 

Anyway, you may be asking yourself why after 3 1/2 years of running the least popular blog on the internet, I’d choose now to make a comeback. There are several reasons. Let me go through them, one at a time, as two or three at a time would be confusing and I would pretty much kill all my material off the bat. Basically, this is a list of who to blame. 

1. Friends

Fools! I’ve had more than a few friends tell me, “Cosmo, you’re so hip and swell, you should really write your own blog and publish it and link to it on social networking sites. I won’t read it or comment on it, or even click the little share button, but ya know … anyway, I think there’s someone more attractive I could be seen with right now so I’m gonna go do that.” 

Now, I appreciate the honesty and all, but you people are shitty motivators. You’re also a shitty audience (I assume). But hey, you asked for it, so you’re partly to blame. Congrats. 

2. Honey Boo Boo

OK, not directly, but since things like that must be seen, and exist in the world, surely my words deserve to be out there in some capacity. Plus, doesn’t it just feel more legit to wish an AIDS-filled death on someone through written word? There’s just more credibility to it, I think. There’s just so much material out there waiting to be hated on, it’d be a shame to save all that hate just for the co-workers who are within hearing range of my sultry, velvety voice. 

3. A Lack of a Creative Outlet

This Halloween, I’m going to go as a wall outlet adorned with paintings and popular song lyrics. Yup, I’m going to go as a creative outlet. See! This is the kind of stuff that the internet is missing and that you people get deprived of on a daily basis because I’m usually talking about 12-16 other things at any given moment. My capacity to say every great thought that occurs in my brain is severely hampered by time and a general lack of audience. Well no more. This blog will be my new mother. 

OK, I didn’t see that line coming, but it’s there and it’s staying. 

If you have any thoughts or suggestions on topics you’d like to see discussed, I suggest you start your own blog (Wait, this could be a good way to get idea for material. Tell them to send their ideas to you. No).

I love you, new mother,

Cosmo